So I’m in California for the next 3 years…
Wow, I just read through my blogs in Afghanistan and my first posts being back home in America and then Italia. I know that it’s been a year since I’ve actually written on here. For some reason while in the shower tonight, I realized that I haven’t really written a lot of my thoughts down in a long time. I miss being able to share my thoughts-some private and some guarded…but after a year of not posting, where do I even begin? I say let’s start at the end…and then go back to the beginning.
Currently, I am staying in Carlsbad, California with some amazing friends of mine as I transition to my new job and new life in California. It was just ten days ago that I left Italy, and I already feel so far away from it all. My last night in Italy was the finale of Hannah Palooza-a five-day, ongoing celebration of my departure…going out “with a bang,” if you will. We had a United Nations potluck that night hosted by my friends Sebastian and LaTarya (“Sebastian and Smith’s” will be the name of their restaurant/catering company one day…). I remember sitting and eating dinner when Sebastian announced that we were going to go around and talk about a memory or two that we remembered of Hannah. It was in that moment that I decided that maybe my last few memories in Italy weren’t necessary the best, or even a little bit blurred, despite having the time of my life. My friends were gracious and spared plenty of details publically, but it was in that moment that I realized in my seat, with that deep and sunken feeling in my heart, that I was starting to become a person that I didn’t want to be. Most of the “stories” were related to alcohol and partying. Granted, there were a lot of fun memories, and some not so memorable, but I remember thinking to myself, “I wish that I was here much longer so that I can prove to these guys that I’m not the Hannah that they think I am.” There I was, crying out in my own heart to be known as someone that had higher morals and values-someone that they could come talk to about life because I was looked up to. At the end of the night, I felt like “Schmannah” as someone so kindly nicknamed me from the entire previous month of drinking and partying. I didn’t take any offense to it, but I’ve realized that if I have a nickname from an alter ego that comes out when I’m drinking, then that’s really not where I want to be in life. Okay, so you’re probably thinking to yourself-“Hannah’s beating herself up right now. Why is she being so hard on herself with the partying and drinking?” Because at the end of the day, that’s not who anyone wants to be. It’s nice and temporary to be “the life of the party” or “the social coordinator” of a group or “the fun girl,” but how can you take that type of person seriously? What most of you probably don’t know is that the real Hannah is pretty introspective and quiet. I like to be by myself sometimes-to think and to just be. I love running because that is my time in the day to think and collect my thoughts. I actually am a very deep person and am opinionated with just about everything. If you were to describe Hannah, I hope that you would say, “Big heart. Loves to give. Confident. Never wants to miss out. Loves people.” The deep side of me would say, “Broken heart. Healing. Has insecurities. Afraid of being alone. Worried about her career and future.” I say all of this in honesty to make this point-It’s so much easier to party your butt off and live your life to the fullest in order to cover up what’s really going on deep down inside. I left Afghanistan an emotional wreck…from the things I saw every day like body parts in an operating room, buckets of blood on the floor from bloodshed, the Marines and Soldiers that I would talk to who witnessed horrific things and watched their comrades die-all these things and memories that I’ve pushed deep down inside. Who wants to hear this stuff, really? Who understands it, really? Who knows what I mean when I say that I saw a man with both of his legs so torn to shreds from an improvised explosive device that I had to hold on to just the skeletal bone of his leg while surgeons cut off the dead flesh that was dangling from what was left of his lower trunk. NO ONE wants to hear that. NO ONE understands that unless they’ve been there. To be honest, I haven’t really dealt with it all. I was reminded of Afghanistan today when I was walking from one building of the hospital to the next outside and felt the ground shake and the echoing noise of the recoil of a tank after a round from a mounted gun on an M1A1 Abrams tank went off. Loud noises-big boom noises-scare the CRAP out of me. Would you say that all of this is PTSD? Some would say that it is. Others would say that it’s a result of life experience. I say it’s the residual effects of dealing with war. Afghanistan is a completely different part of the world. The culture, geography, people, smells, way of life-everything is COMPLETELY different that one sensory reminder can bring it all back in a split second. Call me crazy, but I think that’s a normal human condition. I get it. The general public doesn’t really because they haven’t been there. One should never judge a servicemember that has…but, I digress. Back to reality. I’m in California. Can I just say how excited I am to be here? Everyone here is healthy, for the most part, or at least appear to be living an active, healthy lifestyle. I feel healthier after these 10 days of not really drinking, eating healthy, sufficient sleep, and working out. It’s been 10 days of detox to be honest…I’m glad, though. My body has needed it.
Since I got back from Afghanistan, I traveled a LOT. My first trip was to Rome for a college weekend themed pub crawl; then Tunisia (Labor Day weekend 2010); then Oktoberfest in Munich (mid-late September); then Perugia for the Chocolate Festival. Columbus Day was in Malta and Gozo; Halloween was in Palma de Mallorca; holiday season in Napoli for Thanksgiving with plenty of NATO soccer playing; and then Christmas at home in D.C.; New Year’s in Berlin, Germany; Back to D.C. for IKM and PRM’s wedding; Morzine, France and Swiss Alps for skiing late January-early February; President’s Day weekend in Venice; Chianti Wine Tasting in March; St. Patrick’s day in Dublin, Ireland; Florence the end of March; Paris Marathon in early April; Queen’s Day in Amsterdam at the end of April; Cinque Terre mid May; French Riviera Memorial Day weekend; Prague in mid-June; London at the end of June into early July for the Wimbledon, the Henley Royal Sailing Regatta, and to watch David Guetta and the Black Eyed Peas; Running of the Bulls in Pamplona in mid-July; Ibiza, Spain in mid-July; Filipino Food Cookoff at the end of July; Boating to Ischia in early August; Athens and Santorini, Greece mid August; Hannah Palooza my last weekend in Italia to Ischia; and now I have moved and am living in California! LOTS AND LOTS of travel. Non-stop since I’ve gotten back. So you see how my life has been non-stop and how I may have needed a break for a while. I’m in California and I’m getting antsy because I’m so used to that pace of life. It’s time to slow down, though, so I’m allowing myself mentally and physically to re-adjust. California is the PERFECT place for that too. I am pretty excited for the next three years of rest!
After all of that, one would ask if I am insane. No, I just try to make the most of the time that I have given certain opportunities. I’m bummed that I won’t be able to travel and hop from one place to the next, but I am also optimistic for the results of having some down time in my life to re-adjust to reality back in the States.
It really is pretty crazy to be back. I miss my friends and the comfort of what I know, but I’m not going to miss the pace of the lifestyle. I’m okay where I am absolutely right now. California has a different take on life. Active, and yet, healthy. I’m starting to get ahold of how that translates into my life, but I’m open to that and I want to be with my family more. I’m going to start going back to church and learning how to be still. I need to truly rest on all levels-mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I can already feel the change within me, but I’m happy and I like it. More to come…
